Dear Adam, Charlie and Ruby,

When someone is talking, look at them.  Look in their eyes.  Let go of any thoughts in your mind, set down what’s in your hands, and listen to what they are saying.  Give some sort of indication that you hear them – a nod, a quiet “mmmhmmm.”  If and when you reply, your first words should be about what they said not about what you think.

At a talk, a speech, church, or a class, put everything away except something to take notes with.  Use paper and a pen or pencil for your notes.  Taking notes on your phone looks disinterested and distracted to the speaker.  Look at the speaker.  Relax  and make sure your face is open and encouraging.  Honor the speaker with your kindness and attention.

If you are with a teacher or coach, it is especially important to honor their instruction.  Teachers teach from their heart – it’s complicated, personal work.  You bless your teachers when you are teachable and attentive.  When your teacher is finished providing feedback or a lesson, you can ask a question, repeat back what they said, or immediately apply it to practice what they are teaching you.

The reality of our world is constant stimulus, distraction and focus on ourselves.  We are almost always thinking about ourselves or something other than the topic at hand when it’s not our turn to talk.  We interrupt.  We look around.  We look at our phone.  The conditions or our modern world foster these behaviors.  I struggle with this every day myself.  It’s normal.

True listening takes practice.  Practice it.  See the value of each person you have the chance to meet and listen to.  Honor the gift of each teacher, coach and elder.  Learn and love by truly hearing people.

I love you three so very much.

Love,

Mom

Dear Kids,

Yesterday was one of those days.  A day when nothing really seemed to be working and I noticed my mind wandering into an unproductive place.

I remembered something my mom taught me that I want to pass on.  When you’re in a bad mental place, just do the next thing.  You might be tired, hurt, angry, grieving – any range of things can make things feel like they aren’t working.  But when you are off, focus on doing just what is in front of you – do the next thing.

You don’t have to think about the whole day, week, month or decade – just what’s right in front of you.

And you know what?  In a day I wondered if I would get through, I look back and can see so many wonderful things got done and happened.  All thanks to showing up and doing the next thing.

When nothing seems to be working, and things don’t feel great, just do the next thing.

I love you.

Love,

Mom

Dear Kids,

You.  You are the only you there is.  And you are wonderful.  You are enough.  Your strengths and your struggles are just what they should be.  This is true of everyone – each person is beautifully and wonderfully made.

Be a student of who God created when he made you.

Knowing yourself is one of the secrets of happiness.  Knowing who you are allows you to spend your time, energy and money on the best things for you, not the things that advertisers and ‘influencers’ tell you to like.   It helps you to develop friendships with people who are great matches rather than following a crowd or tagging along with folks who don’t get you or love you.  Understanding yourself is essential to the big decisions in life – what you should study in college, what work you should do, and who you should spend your life with.  If you don’t know yourself, you will get carried along in life by things that are just fine – but you might find over time that you’re off course.

And so here’s the last thing on self – knowledge.  You will change and grow.  And you will choose people and things in your life that you later think  weren’t the right call or fit.  No one gets everything right in their choices.  And – there isn’t ONE right ANYTHING for ANYONE.  We are thoughtful and make the best choices we can.  Don’t fall into the trap of second-guessing and thinking you need to find ‘perfect.’

There are some choices that can be changed and some that can’t.  Keep your commitments and promises — and especially your vows.  Know that there are ups and downs, and good and bad, in every choice we make.  Change the choices that are changeable when you need to, but dig into your commitments and promises and see them through.  Do the work to make them work and enjoy learning from them – you will learn more about yourself and you will grow most when you are working through a challenge.

I love each of you.  I love the way I can see in your 12, 11 and 6 year-old selves footprints of who you were in the womb and the day you entered the world.  You are really incredible people and it’s the best thing in me and dad’s lives to know you and raise you.

Love, love, love,

Mom

Dear Adam, Charlie and Ruby,

So I hurt someone’s feelings on Friday.  I didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t matter.  Something I said made someone else feel bad.

When the courageous and angry person told me about my offense, I was simply shocked.  But, something I had heard about how to apologize kicked in.

When I apologized, I simply said “Oh my gosh.  You’re right, I understand why that would hurt, I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

I wanted to explain myself, talk about my intentions, provide a list of references who could speak to my character.  I wanted to be forgiven and to feel better.

But, the person I hurt wasn’t impressed with my apology or ready to forgive me, and perhaps may never forgive me.

It feels bad.

So I’ve reflected and prayed as this incident has kept coming back to me over the last couple days.  And I’ve learned a little about why I resist apologizing.

When I hurt someone on accident, I feel misunderstood.  I want to be given credit for all the good things I think, say and do.

When I hurt someone on purpose, I feel like the injury was justified – like the hurt party  deserved it and is responsible for my actions.

My dear children, no one deserves to be hurt by anyone else.  And learning to accept responsibility for your actions – regardless of your intention – is very important.  It might be difficult, but it is an essential part of loving others and being a person with honor and integrity.

You will make mistakes, and you will need to apologize, and it will feel bad.  But, in everything there is a lesson and there can be a blessing.  Even in wounds we receive or hurts we inflict.

The blessing in my discomfort of having hurt someone and not being told I was forgiven was that I ran across a quote that Pastor Tim Keller posted and it taught me something precious and comforting about myself and my God.

“We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves

than we ever dared believe,

yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ

than we ever dared hope.”  

When you make mistakes and need to apologize, do it quickly and do it well.  And if the person you hurt isn’t ready to forgive you, that is their choice.  Learn from it, pray, and talk to someone who loves you – a good friend who will strike the balance of not letting you off the hook but loving you anyways and reminding you it will be OK.

And it will be OK, because you my children are more loved and accepted than you ever dared hope.

I love you.

Love,

Mom

Dear Kids,

Dad and I voted today.  It was rainy and we don’t always have a lot of time to research all the issues deeply, but we don’t let that hold us back from the polls.  Last minute homework, prayer and reflection are enough to help us make our best decisions.

Though you are 8 to 13 years from your first ballot, you must always vote.  ‘We the People‘ are the government.  We elect and support people who represent us – but they don’t rule us.  So we need to know what we believe, what we think is best for our country, and vote for the people who will work on that on our behalf.

Remember that voting wasn’t always possible for people of color or women, which makes it especially significant for us.  Also know that we have this right because of the men and women who have earned and protect our liberty with their lives.

Always vote, my sweet babies.   And when you vote, say a prayer of gratitude for those who made and make it possible, and a prayer of hope for our country.

I love you.

Love,

Mom

 

Dear Adam, Charlie and Ruby,

Last June we carted all you kids along with us to a little house in Catonsville that was converted to a law office.  Across the squeaky floors covered in low pile carpet we trekked, sitting each of you in a chair with a device to keep you busy.  Dad and I continued into a room with ‘Mr. Lou’ and we sat and signed the papers that would tell other people what to do if something happened to both of us and you needed new parents.

We asked questions and made sure we understood how things would work, imagining the calls our friends and family would be making to each other as they made sense of our wishes.

And I felt a prayer of gratitude for getting to be your mom and asked the Lord to leave us here to raise you.  I prayed that no one would ever need to see this will and that no one would have to set up your trust.

For days after we signed our will I felt grateful – grateful for the arrangements we had made for you and thankful for the incredible friends and family who would hold you three close and raise you in incredible ways if they needed to.  I also thought of life’s big moments that lie ahead for each of you and how I look forward to seeing you experience them.  And I started thinking about a million little things I hope I will be here to teach you and help you through as you grow.

And then one day, it occurred to me that I could jot some of the things down that I hope to teach you.  So in addition to the will and trust that sit with Mr. Lou, here are a few little letters of life lessons from me to you.

Love,

Mom