Dear Adam, Charlie and Ruby,

So I hurt someone’s feelings on Friday.  I didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t matter.  Something I said made someone else feel bad.

When the courageous and angry person told me about my offense, I was simply shocked.  But, something I had heard about how to apologize kicked in.

When I apologized, I simply said “Oh my gosh.  You’re right, I understand why that would hurt, I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

I wanted to explain myself, talk about my intentions, provide a list of references who could speak to my character.  I wanted to be forgiven and to feel better.

But, the person I hurt wasn’t impressed with my apology or ready to forgive me, and perhaps may never forgive me.

It feels bad.

So I’ve reflected and prayed as this incident has kept coming back to me over the last couple days.  And I’ve learned a little about why I resist apologizing.

When I hurt someone on accident, I feel misunderstood.  I want to be given credit for all the good things I think, say and do.

When I hurt someone on purpose, I feel like the injury was justified – like the hurt party  deserved it and is responsible for my actions.

My dear children, no one deserves to be hurt by anyone else.  And learning to accept responsibility for your actions – regardless of your intention – is very important.  It might be difficult, but it is an essential part of loving others and being a person with honor and integrity.

You will make mistakes, and you will need to apologize, and it will feel bad.  But, in everything there is a lesson and there can be a blessing.  Even in wounds we receive or hurts we inflict.

The blessing in my discomfort of having hurt someone and not being told I was forgiven was that I ran across a quote that Pastor Tim Keller posted and it taught me something precious and comforting about myself and my God.

“We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves

than we ever dared believe,

yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ

than we ever dared hope.”  

When you make mistakes and need to apologize, do it quickly and do it well.  And if the person you hurt isn’t ready to forgive you, that is their choice.  Learn from it, pray, and talk to someone who loves you – a good friend who will strike the balance of not letting you off the hook but loving you anyways and reminding you it will be OK.

And it will be OK, because you my children are more loved and accepted than you ever dared hope.

I love you.

Love,

Mom